this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
