Just fell off a train. Bad.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
