Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
