So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
