in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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