Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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