My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
