should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
