This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
