I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
