farters have to be the big spoon...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
