I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This can only be settled by a dance off.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
