dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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