Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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