walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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