I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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