went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Someone came in the potted fern
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
