Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I want is dick and wine.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
