i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
