My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
