Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
