So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
