One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
