Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
