if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
