Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize