you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
