The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
