I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
