if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
