There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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