I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
