I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
