those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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