the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
