Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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