it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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