Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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