either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it's like iHOP with fire
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
