I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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