I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
