Swine flu is the new snow day.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will be naked everywhere
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
