my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
