It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
