I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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