i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize