Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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