dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
