Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize