i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
