Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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