I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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