I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize