i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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