i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
